For the past few years, I’ve gotten into genealogy. But most recently, I’ve made the most interesting discovery yet. Not through my surname, Newman, which is of Germanic Anglo-Saxon origin, but through my mothers side. Tracing my lineage through her Grandmother, Bessie, I discovered that her Great Great Grandma’s maiden name was Carroll. The Carrolls go back six more generations to the Virginia colony, where they had come from Ireland and were originally called O’Carroll. Now what makes this interesting is that prior to embarking on the New World, circa 1650, John Carroll’s father, Lord John O’Carroll, was ousted from his residence due to Oliver Cromwell’s conquest of Ireland. Leap Castle became the home of the Darby family for the next 350 years. During that time it became known as Ireland’s Most Haunted Castle.
But I digress. The purpose of my writing here today is to make a proposition. You see, it’s been my observation that in the past, whenever the Lord of an estate was ousted, it was not all that uncommon for that Lord’s descendents to wage a campaign of reclamation. So I figured, why shouldn’t I do that? I mean, I suppose I’d have a couple million other descendants of Lord John O’Carroll to contend with. But I don’t see any of them trying to lay claim to the lost title of nobility. And last I checked, the English weren’t running the show anymore. So I don’t see them being much of an obstacle.
From what I understand, some musician named Sean Ryan has taken residence at Leap Castle since 1991. But I’m certain he would step aside once a proper heir apparent showed up. All the same, it’s possible some Darbys are still sneaking about. They too may be awaiting an opportune moment to reclaim the estate.
So here’s what I propose…
I, Daniel Scott Newman, 12X Great Grandson of Lord John O’Carroll, hereby request an oath of fealty from any men-at-arms who are willing to help lay siege against Leap Castle in Coolderry, County Offaly, Ireland in order to restore its integrity to the proper line of succession. In exchange for your allegiance, each man (or woman) shall receive 10 acres of the land gained from the acquisition and dominion over the local serfdom. The first five years of your tenure shall only require a 10% tax on your crop yield rendered unto me. And an additional 5 acres shall be given for each skull of a Darby that is laid before me.
Now that the difficult task of rallying a call to arms is over, we can discuss strategy. First of all, the most sensible place to rally for the assault will be on land currently in my possession. There I can accommodate training and supply provisions. Unfortunately, until my ancestral land is reclaimed, I only have a half acre in rural central Indiana at the moment. I’m thinking we’ll only need about fifty to a hundred men-at-arms to succeed. But most of you will have to sleep in the pole barn or out in the yard for the time being.
As far as training goes, I think it’d be right we only use the very weapons my ancestors were ousted by. Sword, shield, bow, pike and black powder matchlock arquebuses. We’ll of course need to make ourselves well versed in European stratagems to avoid any common pitfalls. Lest we make the same mistakes of past failed reclamations such as the Jacobite’s century long attempt at reinstating the House of Stuart.
Seeing as how County Offaly is over 3,630 miles away from my residence in Clinton County, Indiana and there appears to be a large body of water between the two, I suppose we’ll need to make some sort of nautical travel arrangements. Fortunately, I have allies in Nova Scotia who may be of some aid. However, we’ll need to travel overland for the first leg of the journey. Not to worry, I’ve already drafted a detailed map for the expedition. (See Below)
As you can see, the route will take at least three weeks by foot. Some of you may die along the way. In the event that you do, I assure you, your families will be compensated with gold and potatoes and any lucky charms which are plundered during the taking of Leap Castle and the surrounding area. This also applies to any possible untimely death at sea due to scurvy or the tempestuous Atlantic. As well as the coming battle once we make landfall.
Finally, we need to address the plan of attack and seizure of assets. County Offaly is the 18th largest county in Ireland out of 32. The population is just under 85,000 and there’s approximately 495,500 acres of land in the county. I figured there’s no point in punishing and subjugating the entire region, so we need only take around 20,000 acres of the area surrounding Leap. Best we not ruffle the feathers of nearby Birr Castle or Ballaghmore Castle. We may forge alliances with them and possibly help restore their rightful heirs too at some point. But that’s another story. For now, I suggest we make landfall in County Galway and make a beeline for Leap Castle before anyone takes notice. Ireland's Defense Forces are pretty primitive. But it’s probably for the best that we avoid interactions with them.
So in conclusion, provided we meet little to no resistance from Sean Ryan or the Darbys, I estimate we could take the outer perimeter of Leap by noon if we surround it at dawn. If everything goes right, we'll be sipping Guinness and chomping soda bread with a bowl of Irish Stew by the evening of the second day of the siege. If there’s any question as to how I’m going to finance this excursion, not to worry, I’ll be putting my wife’s dowry up against any shortcomings.
